I was calmly sitting on the porch the other evening when SHE came out and said it was hard to decide if I was the old guy or the crazy guy. I couldn’t figure that one out until SHE mentioned Used Lions. If you’ve not seen the movie, it’s a little hard to explain, but there I sat, calmly having a drink with a shotgun in my lap. I could see her point.

Of course I wasn’t shooting at salesmen like the duo in the movie. I was discouraging swallows from trying to build a nest on the porch. I wasn’t trying to hit them (probably couldn’t anyway) but the .410 with light loads made enough noise to discourage them, finally. Entertainment is where you find it.

We still have the ongoing arguments with critters, which is one of the big disadvantages of living in the country and close to a creek. The deer seem to have been discouraged by the pepper spray we got at Larned Greenhouse. They assured us it would work and so far it has. It even keeps the rabbits from nibbling on the plants and young trees. Rabbits have finally learned to run when the front door opens, and that’s ok as long as they stay away from the plants. We planted a blueberry bush three years ago and between the rabbits and deer it has never gotten more than a few inches tall. With the pepper spray it’s finally beginning to grow.

SHE thinks it might be a good idea to take away cell phones from drivers, me in particular. We stopped in Sterling the other day so I could get coffee. I got it and as I was returning to the car I got a call. I put the cup on the trunk while I looked for what the caller wanted, got in the car and drove off… The lady at the quick shop came out waving and yelling. Fortunately I saw her and retrieved the coffee. I had to listen to a lot of laughter and a couple of "serves you right" comments.

Something on the same order happened last month. I got a phone call just as I was closing the cover on the pickup bed. I laid down my house keys on the bumper, promptly forgot them and drove to Larned. When I stopped to get gas the keys were still right where I left them. And SHE thought that was funny as heck and reminded me that it was the fault of the cell phone. I reminded HER that only a good driver could have driven a dozen miles over rough country roads and have them still be there. Ha!

We were in Hutchinson with all the kids and grandkids not long ago and our second grandson was learning to drive and when I was leaving to go to the computer shop his mother decided I should let him drive. I was a bit nervous about that since he had very little experience driving and I had even less with putting my life at risk riding with teenagers. In fact, SHE was the one who had the task of giving driving lessons to the girls. I like old movies since they are a flashback in time. But I really hate seeing my life flashback while riding with kids.

I probably scared the heck out of my parents, but God bless my mother. She had the patience of Job when I drove, which really surprised me since she had little patience the rest of the time. I can’t imagine her feelings when, traveling between Great Bend and Larned at 85 mph and passing the sheriff. And the only thing she said was that I might slow down a bit. I agreed, right after I saw the red lights come on behind me. In retrospect, she may have just been scared to death. In fact, I don’t ever recall my father riding with me, not that I ever blamed him.

Anyway, that was before Kansas had a speed limit and I didn’t get a ticket. I suspect the sheriff just didn’t like to be passed. After he turned on the red lights he passed me and then stopped in Pawnee Rock at his house.

But back to the grandson, we still had the Pontiac Grand Prix GT and it had more power than anyone with good sense needed, which added to my apprehension… that and the "hot damn" expression on his face. I tossed a pack of cigars on the dash and told him I didn’t want to see it move as he drove. That took the smile off his face. But all turned out well and he is today a good driver and I suffered no lasting ill effects.

Speaking of kids and driving, we have a couple of them that come this way now and then and if one in particular lives to be the ripe old age of 21 it will be because of a miracle and not wisdom.

We were walking on the side of the road a few days ago and not only did he not slow down, he didn't even move over. I began to wonder if he even saw us. I finally waved my arms and he did move over but slow isn't something he can do.

I see his tracks and am just amazed that anyone would drive that way, all over the road. I think I'll talk to him and have him call before he travels this way so we can stay off the road until he lands. I really don't mind if he kills himself as long as he doesn't put others in the way of his idiot driving.

The buzzword of this election is ‘CHANGE’.

Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to.

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the ‘Gunny’ that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, ‘Aye,aye, sir, I’ll see to it immediately’. He went into the tent and said, ‘The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it’.

The moral: A candidate may promise change in Washington but don’t count on things smelling any better. The system is good, it’s the nuts that are rotten.

A couple was sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

His wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ he sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

We got and ad from Clara Barton Hospital about their new digital imaging equipment which is cutting edge technology and much more effective for catching problems. Anyway, I called to make and appointment for HER. When I got to the correct department, I told them I wanted an appointment for a mammogram to check out their new digital equipment.

I could hear the total silence on the other end of the line, then came the giggling and chattering with a co-worker. When I stopped laughing, I explained it was not for me, and they recovered from their laughter and took care of the appointment. To get back at me, they suggested a colon scope. In retrospect, I wonder if there was a bit of "get even" there.

The weekend of July 4, 5, and 6, Fort Larned National Historic Site will come to life for a celebration of our Independence Day. And the admission to the fort is free.

To commemorate the signing of the United States’ Declaration of Independence, the fort will have living history personnel staffing all of its ten historic buildings.

Throughout the weekend, there will be daily historic weapons demonstrations.

I never try to hurry time and never wish a day, month or year was over, but May 2008, as it turned out, will probably not go down as one of my favorites of all time. Of course it isn’t the worst month I’ve ever had.

Wind and storms were a part of the problem, but that’s the same for everyone. A couple of friends lost their houses and some buildings in the past month due to the storms and our hearts go out to them. I wish it hadn’t happened.

The May disasters were mostly small and manageable. A couple of snakes showed up and were quickly dispatched but the search for the Armadillo goes on with no success as yet.

Earlier this year, we had to replace the pressure tank for the water well along with the pressure switch and valves. Unfortunately, the pressure switch failed and we had no water. Clark Well Service came out and by the end of the day we were back in business. I tried to figure out what the problem was and in hindsight, I should have known it was the pressure switch. Hindsight is always 20-20. It’s the old "shoulda, coulda, woulda syndrome.

Anyway, tires were worn out and needed replacement, broken eyeglasses, software needed updated and April brought income taxes, May is property tax and June is vehicle taxes, making these three months our most expensive just with taxes let alone having a bunch of expensive repairs thrown in. The dishwasher also suffered from a broken basket that needed replacement. I didn’t mind that since the alternative is the alternative dishwasher… me.

I’m glad May is over and June is always a happy time since it contains the date of our anniversary. Unfortunately, due to the storms, water well problems and numerous little things, we ended up spending our anniversary printing the paper and delivering it to Hutchinson. What a deal.

When we were doing the story on Wellington SHE saw someone carry something that looked unusual out of a furniture store. SHE asked me what it was and I made the mistake of saying I hadn’t seen it, why don’t you go in and check it out. Mistake. SHE did go in and it turned out to be a Toad House. Now SHE needs a toad house about as much as I need to build a shelter for the Armadillo. We have a toad house.

SHE has been planting flowers in a little donkey cart and every year the toads dig into them and in their vigorous digging, kick out the plants. SHE decided to just use silk flowers last year and now that we have a toad house a fresh batch of plants now reside in the cart… along with the toad house.

How in the world anyone thinks the toad can read, or even wants to be there, is beyond me. But I suppose everyone should have a toad house, just in case. I just hope SHE doesn’t really expect it to be inhabited by the toad.

I shouldn’t complain about the toad house, since I was the one that let go of her hand. She is HER mother’s daughter after all.

The Dignity Memorial Vietnam Wall will be available for viewing in Hoxie this summer from Thursday, June 12, to Monday, June 16. Built in 1990, the memorial known as the Moving Wall tours the country from April through November each year, visiting 15 to 20 cities.

The Hoxie Chamber of Commerce and Sheridan County Economic Development have arranged jointly for the 5-day display of the 240-foot-long, 8-foot-high replica of the Vietnam Memorial that is located on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. The memorial features all of the more than 58,000 names of U.S. soldiers, sailors, airmen, and nurses who were killed or remain missing in action in the Vietnam War.

A group of us met with Jim Slattery the other night in Larned. His office called on short notice and said he would be coming through and would like to meet with some Larned folks. It was interesting and unlike Roberts, he actually has some ideas of his own. Plus, he resigned from Congress to run for Kansas Governor, which is what they all should when running for a different office.

What impressed me was that his view of the government, and thereby Congress and the President, is that their primary job is to protect and defend the nation and keep us safe. Somehow, we’ve lost that concept and want to change the world into our own image at a cost to the people we are supposed to protect and defend.

Like me, Slattery is a fiscal conservative and sees the debt accumulated by this Congress and Administration as a complete disaster and major threat to our security and progress. Congress has the Scarlett O’Hara syndrome of putting off thinking about problems until tomorrow, hoping they will simply go away. Slattery can’t change that by himself, but if we elect enough fiscal conservatives to Congress that will change. Roberts is not one of those fiscal conservatives, having voted for every spending bill that has added to our national debt while doing little to help our nation with our problems.

On the question of controlling illegal immigration, Slattery stated that the reason nothing has been done about controlling it, or identifying illegals is that the Mexicans living in the US, both legal immigrants and native born, don't like the idea of an ID card.

We've been advocating an ID program for foreigners those who want to work in the US legally as a way of curbing illegal immigration and making it easier for employers to know an employee is here legally.

But, as long as candidates for national office and those seeking reelection court the votes of the Mexicans, absolutely nothing is going to change. Count on it. All we have to do is look at the impact the Cuban influence in Florida has had on our national policy.

We need new representatives in Congress who can think for themselves and act in the best interests of our nation, not in their own political interest.

The brother-in-law and I were talking about the candidates for president. He noted that all his adult life politicians have promised change and he has yet to see it. And it probably won't happen after the upcoming election. After thinking that over, I hope he's wrong, but I suspect he is absolutely correct. Change is hard to come by.

I may get a lot of mail for this, but personally, I'm really tired of people putting the blame for illegal immigration on the backs of the employers. Certainly there are some who take advantage by paying "under the table" and making no attempt to ascertain whether or not the workers they hire are here legally. But the real problem lies at the feet of Congress and the Administration. They need to provide a reasonable way for employers to check the status of workers. But you can bet that will never happen because it would require them to put right above political expediency.

We have many, many people here of Hispanic descent that have been here for generations. It is unfair and immoral to lump them into the same category of the illegal immigrant, but we seem to do that without realizing it.

Whether we like it or not, we are going to have to face the problem and fix it. One fact that was brought out in our talk with Slattery was that we will need immigrant workers to help fund Social Security as more and more of the baby-boomers retire.

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, ‘I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.’

‘Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!’

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, ‘Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!’

Once again it is time for Santa Fe Trail Days in Larned with lots of fun things to do. Everyone is welcome and the parade begins at 11 a.m., so join us.

The club will then travel to Greensburg Sunday, May 4th, to commemorate the anniversary of the tornado that flattened the town. There will be lots of prizes for the participants and drawings for the public.

Jay Leno has donated 4 Super VIP tickets that includes back stage passes and photo ops with Leno and his guests the evening of your choice. Those will be auctioned off Sunday in Greensburg. There are also five Santa Fe Trail Auto Club T-shirts, autographed by Leno, to be auctioned off.

All funds raised by the event will go to rebuilding and furnishing the Auto Shop at Greensburg High School. Both Ralph Baird Motors and Al Hanken Motors have donated parts to the school that can be used or sold to raise money for the project.

I know we’ve all been afflicted with momentary lapses of memory and lost or misplaced things, but sometimes it’s ridiculous. I was going to put on my watch the other morning and it was not in the two places I normally leave it. So I searched the house, backtracking to every place I’d been since the night before. It wasn’t there. We decided it must have come off when I took off my jacket when we were walking the evening before since even SHE couldn’t find it.

We got warm while walking and I started taking off my jacket when the cell phone rang. I was talking and SHE helped me take of the jacket. That’s when we decided the watch must have slipped off and that was a mile away. Unfortunately there was no danger of getting warm since the temp was struggling to get up to 40 degrees and the wind a sprightly 30 mph. About the time we reached the point where we thought the watch would have landed, it began to rain and sleet, making the return a bit unpleasant. And there was no watch.

Senator Janis Lee, D-Kensington, announced that she will be seeking a sixth term in the Kansas Senate serving the 36th District, having first been elected in 1989.

Senator Lee has been a real asset to our area since we welcomed her to our area four years ago. She is a strong advocate of agriculture, the rural economy and for retaining and expanding the Larned State Complex. Personally, I haven’t seen a legislator who has a better grasp of the issues than Janis. She just knows this stuff because she studies the issues. She always baffles me with her knowledge and commitment. We’ve had some that want to baffle us with BS because they simply don’t know anything beyond what their party leaders told them.

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’

The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.’

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

I swear it was raining idiots the second week of April and I always thought April Showers brought May flowers. We were coming back from Wellington in a rain storm and we could not believe the number of cars that were driving without lights. Even a good many truckers were too dumb to turn on their lights. True, it was still daylight and I suppose those driving without lights could see just fine, but the point is, we could not see them, making it nearly impossible to pass slow moving trucks on two lane roads. Some of the cars were even new enough to have running lights or lights that come on automatically. Evidently those not smart enough to turn on lights when it’s raining were smart enough to disable that automatic system.

Finally, I think Spring arrived. And just in time too. I was tired of complaining about the cold. It will be a refreshing change to complain about the heat.

I know it's spring because the tulips were just about to bloom when the hail took them out, leaving only three standing. Of course we had just sprayed with the pepper spray to keep the deer away. There is no way to tell if it worked other than the deer didn't get the tulips. Ron at Larned Greenhouse assured us it would work so it probably will. We didn't spray the rose bushes and last Thursday morning we saw two mule deer in the front yard. I walked out to chase them away and they just stood there only 30 feet away. Where were they in hunting season? These I could have hit... maybe.

Another sure sign of spring is the hundreds of Bluejays that began returning last week. When I see them start to gather in the fall it is a good sign that cold weather is approaching. I can't judge the onset of spring by the Robins since hundreds of them spend the winter in the creek just across the road. My guess is that ours go south for the winter and those from the Dakotas also go south but only as far as our place.

A couple of years back the State of Kansas changed the rules on sales taxes. Instead of collecting sales taxes at the point of sale we now have to collect the sales tax based on where the item is delivered.

That was designed to collect taxes from the large retailers who ship stuff into Kansas and at one time we didn't have to pay sales tax on anything we ordered from out of state. Now we have to pay on pretty much everything we buy regardless of ordering it out of state.

Anyway, it's a nightmare for those of us having to fill out the forms. The state has a website that is supposed to make it easier to figure and file the taxes. I've been a little leery of that since governments have not been known for keeping information safe from theft.

We receive many, many opinions from many sources. We've gotten weekly submissions from the Flint Hills Center for Public Policy. Some I've agreed with an many I've disagreed with entirely. Sometimes we argue back and forth about them. But the following is so on target with the world today that it should be required reading for everyone. Even more importantly, they are not my words, instead they come from a conservative.

By Sarah McIntosh

How many discussions have you had about J.Lo’s twins? What about the latest blockbuster film? Now, how many recent conversations have you had about public policy? The proper role of government? Philosophy? Economics?

Kudos if you can recall the last conversation you had about the later items. But for most of us we are more likely to know the latest celebrity gossip then what’s going on in the rest of the world.

I can’t say that back "when I was a kid" we talked about the more important stuff either because my generation is especially guilty of failing to discuss the more "important things." And it’s unfortunate.

What have we lost when we would rather sit with friends and watch hours of reality T.V. instead of discussing the latest book we read or what we heard about on the news that day? We might shrug it off and say it’s not that important, but it is that important.

We’ve lost civil discourse. The problem is that it doesn’t just hurt us individually; it hurts us as a society. Civil discourse and debate are integral to preserving representative democracy and to progress. In discussions we are challenged to think critically of our views, to consider alternatives, and to come up with solutions.

So why are we losing this aspect of our culture? There are probably several reasons and it is important to identify them so that they can be overcome or at least considered.

One reason might be fear. It is much harder to be an expert on international politics than to follow what’s going on in the life of the stars. Because of this, many people start out not knowing much about the important things to discuss and they let that hold them back. That’s a mistake. It’s better to ask questions and jump into the debate than to ignore the discussion all together. The truth is most of us aren’t experts and none of us are experts on everything. That doesn’t mean that our opinions are unimportant and it doesn’t warrant neglecting the subjects altogether. We must overcome this fear and jump in somewhere.

Secondly, perhaps we are wary of arguing. We don’t want to cause discord at the dinner party or at the cocktail hour. But, why not? The trick is not to take things personally. We must reclaim the enjoyment of a little intelligent good-faith jesting.

Yet another barrier could be the fast-paced environment in which we live. On one hand this means there is an abundant amount of information at our fingertips. On the other, it means that information is constantly changing. But that’s one reason that discussion is important. Maybe one person missed the latest news on a subject that someone else can catch him or her up on.

Furthermore, too often we seem too busy to stop and talk. It may take longer to discuss a local political issue than it does to mention the latest film we saw. Few of us sit at the kitchen table and discuss things with our families, even less often do we invite friends over for discussion.

Whatever the reasons might be for losing the culture of discussing ideas, it must be remedied. The cost is too high.

First, it costs us socially. Discussions allow us to connect with other people and to think through ideas. What are we robbing our children of when we don’t set an example of open discourse of ideas? Debating with each other helps develop critical thinking skills and the ability to articulate ideas and messages. This, in turn, enables people to come up with solutions and innovations. By sharing ideas and knowledge we help society to progress.

Second, it costs us politically. Representative democracy depends on active citizens who monitor the issues and hold politicians accountable. But if people stop paying attention to public policy issues and instead defer to others, that accountability is lost.

We all must challenge ourselves to go beyond discussions on pop culture and to delve into the more complex, but very important, issues of the day. If we fail to do so it will be a loss for each of us and for society as a whole.

Of course a couple of you wondered if I was going to still be picking on the Republicans in 2049. Maybe, but I just have to say that some Democrats aren’t much better. Can you believe Hillary said she landed under fire in Bosnia? That was so dumb it’s just beyond belief. On the Obama side I find it grossly goofy that he would have as a friend a preacher who would say "God Damn America." Surely that can’t be a Christian attitude can it?

I never thought I’d see the day when we had three candidates so unworthy of my vote. It’s all about money, money, money. The media has already anointed Obama as the Democrat choice because he’s raised the most money. Isn’t that just great. Between the three candidates their total take in the last month or so was over 100 million dollars. Once again we’re going to get the best president money can buy.

Personally, I’d like to see all the has-beens thrown out of Congress, regardless of party, and get some people in there with the courage to work together and do what’s right for this nation and make the President just a figurehead who attends state funerals and travels by bus. I heard the other day that our current president has a lot of motion but no action. That pretty much fits.

I do get criticized for picking on Republicans but no one criticizes anyone for picking on Democrats. I got an e-mail the other day and the criticisms could apply to both parties right down to the end when the writer sank to the level of a first grader making fun of their names. That was the first clue that they were a dittohead.

I am appalled that the families of those killed at Virginia Tech turned down the $100,000 settlement from the school and the state. I thought that was reasonable but the victim’s families want more. I just don’t see how the state or school is responsible for what happened. Crazy people are everywhere and there is no predicting where or when they will strike next. It seeems no one is responsible for anything any longer… it’s always someone’s else who is at fault and responsible.

A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn, he pulled out a gun and robbed the bank! But just to make sure he would have no witnesses, he turned around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The bank robber raised his gun, points it to the customer’s head, shoots him in the head, killing the man instantly.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man. "DID ... YOU... SEE... ME... ROB THIS BANK????"

It’s been an interesting year so far, made particularly so by the birth of our second great grandchild, McKenna Renae Hardin on January 10th. She is the daughter of Jason and Elyssia Hardin of Hutchinson, and the grand daughter of Lori & Bill Rountree, also of Hutchinson. We were able to be there, see and photograph her shortly after the event. All babies are absolutely marvelous… in other hands of course. We have a hard time visualizing taking care of a two-year-old and a newborn while retaining ones sanity. Then we thought of another very nice couple, also with a two-year-old, and they are expecting triplets. Bless them. She asked if I wanted to schedule babysitting time, but for some of us that would not be a good thing. I forget where I left my coffee cup. I can’t imagine having to keep track of a baby, let alone three and a 2 year old.

I suppose that’s why we had our children when we were young and unaware of all the adventures facing us. Here’s to all those young parents and we hope they understand that the joys will overcome any difficulty.

I just realized... SHE's a great grandmother and I'm sleeping with a great grandmother. Never thought it would happen. I remember my grand mothers well and my great grandmother, but they were really old...

Even though I’m glad spring is finally arriving, I’m ready for the days and months to slow down to a crawl. It’s shaping up to be a busy year. SHE wants to join our Georgia kids on a tour of Las Vegas and New York City in April or May. Because of time constraints it might require flying, which I am resisting since I don’t fly any more. Been there and done that just about enough.

However, IF I agree to that tour, I may have to reconsider flying. I suppose I could meet them in New York and postpone the Vegas trip. The only reason I would consider Las Vegas is to see my aunt and our other relatives so when we go is not critical. Still, we’ve been trying to get there for the past year and it just hasn’t worked out. I suppose I would like to see New York City, but not as much as SHE would like to see it. Big cities are right up at the top of my don’t need to do anymore list with flying. I guess we’ll have to see who wins the discussion of whether or not to do that trip.

We also need to go to Georgia before too long. The kids just bought a house and the vibes I’m getting is "bring the pickup and bring tools." That sounds like work to me. And then in September we have the Santa Fe Trail Rendezvous coming up in mid-month and the following weekend we’re supposed to be in Chicago for a ship’s reunion. That will be interesting since we haven’t been there for a really long time. I was eighteen and it was the first really large city I’d ever seen. I thought the elevated train was fantastic. It was also in Chicago that I saw my first really large museum, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

Since the Middle Ages Easter is observed on the Sunday after the first full moon on or after the day of the vernal equinox. The calculations for the date of Easter are somewhat complicated. In the Western Church, Easter has not fallen on the earliest of the 35 possible dates, March 22, since 1818, and will not do so again until 2285. It will, however, fall on March 23 this year, but will not do so again until 2160. Easter last fell on the latest possible date, April 25, in 1943 and will next fall on that date in 2038. However, it will fall on April 24, just one day before this latest possible date, in 2011.

The cycle of Easter dates repeats after exactly 5,700,000 years, with April 19 being the most common date, happening 220,400 times, or 3.9% compared to a mean for all dates of 162,857 times, or 2.9%.

Passing an office building late one night, a dingbat saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." The dingbat did so, and after several minutes heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the dingbat, "what do you want?"

We wrote about the invasion of the Armadillos to our area. Right after that SHE saw one in our yard. We’ve been wondering what was doing all the digging in the yard. We thought it was skunks, but now the question has been answered. I still can’t find the critter, but I haven’t given up hope.

Also, after I wrote the article, a reader sent an e-mail: Last fall I was working in my shop and was listening to the scanner. I heard dispatch call an officer to tell him to go to an address in north Great Bend. She stated that the woman that had called in was hysterical. She had reported that someone had shaved their pet opposum, and that it had wandered out in the street and had been struck and killed.

A few minutes later the officer called in. He was laughing so hard he could hardly talk. He said, "Be advised that the deceased animal is not a shaved opposum. It is an armadillo."

Kinsley has a St. Patrick’s Day parade at 4 p.m. but the day is full of activities beginning with the Blarney Breakfast at the Kinsley VFW from 6 to 9 a.m. While you’re there, or just before breakfast, the Edwards County Hospital is conducting a Men’s Health Fair, also at the VFW. It would be interesting, after the tests, if they allow you to eat the Blarney Breakfast.

This was passed along to us and in no way is it intended to reflect poorly on those who make an honest living helping us invest and plan for the future. It's a joke, with some truth on how we are all minulipated, sometimes by our own quest for easy money. Right now the feds are wringing their hands because Wall Street is having their problems and they seriously think these Wall Street traders are the most important group of people in the United States.

I think my favorite movie line comes from Trading Places. The two old codgers (Ralph Bellamy & Don Ameche) explaining to Eddie Murphy that "whether the market goes up or down and whether traders make or lose money, we still get our commission." I liked that.

Another Wall Street trader, when interviewed about the volatility of the stock market said he loved it since without movement, either up or down, we can't make money.

Anyway, following is an interesting tale that could be the stock market or the housing market.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Well it's been an interesting year so far, regarding politics. Personally, I was sorry to see John Edwards drop out of the race. He would have been my choice.

I had predicted to several who would listen that Kansas would pick Mike Huckabee in the caucus, and I was right.

Huckabee hasn't got a chance, even for vice president, I hope. I just can't imagine having an Oral Roberts type being president or vice president, or even elected dog-catcher.

If McCain gets the nomination, which he probably will, assuming they decide he really is eligible to be president, he will need to pick a good man for his VP cause he doesn't look like he could make it full term. The pressures for most, excluding the present, are tremendous. Hasn't seemed to bother Cheney though. By the way, where is he? Maybe he's still out looking for the weapons of mass destruction or trying to build a case for invading Iran possibly.

Meanwhile, the battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama continues in a virtual tie with Obama slightly ahead. We'll see what Tuesday brings.

I'm not sure yet who I would vote for. I like what I've read about Hillary's plans but I've not seen much planning on the part of Obama, and I've read as much as I can about both of them. I do know that Kansans, a lot of them, really hate Hillary. I'm not sure why since most people couldn't tell us what she stands for. True, she is a politician and couches her answers in a way that she can't be pinned down. I guess that's what a politician does.

Like so many others, I’ve scooped enough snow and I’m ready for Spring. I was sitting quietly, enjoying the snow, which we still have plenty of stacked up where the sun doesn’t hit, when SHE got dressed to go scoop a path to the garage to let the cat out. I tried to explain that even the cat didn’t want to get out. But that was to no avail. So I went out to scoop the snow and let the cat out, and, as I suspected, he didn’t want to leave his heated pad.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, SHE was evidently bored and decided to empty our closet so SHE could paint the ceiling. I liked watching the snow. It was pretty. Then came the questions of where the ladders were, where the paint supplies were and before I even knew what was happening, I was hauling stuff in and doing the masking and before I knew it, I was even painting.

SHE on the other hand had a few phone calls to make.

The house looks like a tornado struck with clothes everywhere. And the sorting has begun. SHE has decided that I have way too many tennis shoes. I will have to admit that I found some I had forgotten I had purchased. I found one pair that was still in the box, but evidently I had purchased two pair and that second pair was a size too large so I never wore them. But that turned out ok since I could put on a couple pair of heavy wool socks to keep my feet warm while I shoveled the walk. Of course if this snow continues I may have to buy some of those waterproof and insulated boots. I keep hoping I won’t need them but the surest way not to need them is to buy them.

Once the painting and cleaning was done SHE decided we needed to do some woodwork… shelves, etc. Getting the tools together should have been simple, but you know how it is in winter… everything gets thrown over everything in the garage cause it’s too cold to spend much time keeping things organized. It took half a day just to get organized to do a couple hours work.

I suspect SHE knew that had I been able to get out the driveway I would have discovered some place I had to go and therefore took full advantage. Personally, I would have been happy just watching the snow and reading a book. But all this WE stuff is a real bummer. On the plus side, I have a clean and organized garage, and painted and organized closet and I even slipped in reading three novels when SHE wasn’t looking.

After all these years, I never realized she was such a fan of Tom Sawyer.

Over the summer and fall while I was helping with the harvests I ate several times at Marshall’s Pit Stop in Albert. I’ve not seen the menu since most of mine was burger & fries on the run. But I’ll have to say the cheeseburgers and real French fries are great, just like they’re supposed to be.

On the first day of the power outage I couldn’t get my little generator started and hauled it up to Mak-D in Otis and after Claude quickly fixed the problem we discovered that the S Bar S Café had just opened the day before. We stopped and had a great lunch. But my favorite is that they have breakfast all day long and they say they have the best omelet in Kansas, and I believe it.

For a step back in time is the Happy Trails Drive-In in LaCrosse. They make a great malt and they even have a breakfast menu and a pretty good menu for the rest of the day. It makes for a great stop every time we get to LaCrosse.

The sampler foundation announced the winners of the 8-Wonders of Kansas. It was just goofy with a couple of exceptions.

The winners are (in alphabetical order): the Big Well, Greensburg; Cheyenne Bottoms and Quivira National Wildlife Refuge, Barton and Stafford counties; Eisenhower Presidential Library & Museum, Abilene; Kansas Cosmosphere & Space Center, Hutchinson; Kansas Underground Salt Museum, Hutchinson; Monument Rocks & Castle Rock, Gove County; St. Fidelis Church (Cathedral of the Plains), Victoria; and the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve, Chase County.

First of all I’m tired of all the polls, caucuses, primaries, push polls and commentators who think they have the answers about how we’re going to vote. I am especially tired of our politicians who think their ability to win is on their ability to get the Christian vote, the black vote, the Hispanic vote, the women’s vote and even the Cuban vote. I am especially tired of listening to interviewers talking to people who don’t even speak English. And, I don’t even watch television. I can’t imagine how bad that would be.

No one seems to be talking about what’s right for the nation and that simply points out the divisions of race, gender and religion and divides us even more. I heard a clip from Mitt Romney on his fundraising. He told the fundraisers, "promise them anything, just get the money." That pretty well says it all about the state of our national politics… get the money.

It is great to see that Congressman Jerry Moran has finally seen the light on the rising debt of the U.S. I just wonder where his concern was with the funding for the Iraq invasion that has cost not only thousands of lives and many thousands of injuries to our soldiers and the billions of dollars. Hasn’t that money all been borrowed?

How can he be against debt for the middle class economy and yet be for extending the tax reduction for those who need it least, the rich?

A man owned a small building business in northern Michigan . One day the State of Michigan Hourly Wage Department contacted him and claimed that he was not paying proper hourly wages to his employees.

They sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the builder, "there’s my master carpenter who’s been with me for 10 years, so I pay him $15 .00 an hour and give him the use of the company pick-up truck, plus benefits. Then there is our apprentice carpenter who I pay $ 10.00 an hour, plus benefits. Also, a half-wit works here, who puts in about 18- hours a day, does about 50% of the work and buys his own truck. He makes about $1.00 an hour and gets no benefits. I buy him a fifth of vodka every week and he quite often sleeps with my wife."

The agent exclaimed, "That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit!"

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My goodness!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

I have never seen a live armadillo. Usually they are just roadkill. Down in Texas, and I suppose other southern states, they are called possum on the half shell and look enchanting, for some, on the dinner table.

I can’t resist saying that they are moving north because of the warming weather. How many days in December can you remember that were a balmy 70 degrees? Maybe we’ll be the new desert oasis. But just as soon as I said that, here came the ice.

The first weekend of deer season would have been decent weather had it not been for the wind. My grandson walked me all around the countryside as I served as the beater, trying to get the deer to get up. It was so windy even the rabbits weren’t moving. Walking through the CRP grass, I actually stepped on a rabbit. He squealed and ran and I jumped and might have even said a word or two.

The last Saturday of the season I decided I’d carry my rifle, but in retrospect I’m not sure why. The scope froze over from the mist and so did my glasses. I finally had to remove the glasses and walk along half blind. I can’t imagine doing something like that on purpose. I figure we walked about 12 miles or more in the two weekends. I had a successful hunt… didn’t get anything, but Jason bagged a large doe after our unsuccessful hunt for the big buck.

Sunday evening, just as the season closed, we were returning from the brother & sister-in-laws and a large herd was standing close to our yard. It’s like they knew the season was over.

Of course, being Kansas, the weather went back to normal with rain, ice and snow mid-month and best of all, no electricity for four days. We were warm, thanks to a small generator that's just large enough to run the furnace, make coffee and toast, but not all at once. Unfortunately, the generator isn't large enough to run the water pump, but that is in the process of being recified. We complained about not having a shower for four days but reread an article about our son-in-law when they first invaded Iraq. He said it was 45 days before they got their first shower and then it was ice cold. We quit complaining.

Had we lived in rural Kansas in the 1930s and 40’s it would have been just another day in the life. The difference is that we no longer have a manual water pump or an outhouse, thank goodness.

SHE has been going through tons of old photos both from our collection and that of her mother. SHE even found the "finally got out of boot camp" photo taken at the Great Lakes Naval Station. Of all the people in the photo, I was the only one with eyes closed… but I was smiling and evidently having a good time. Probably I couldn’t wait to head for home.

In fact, I don’t remember much about the experience at all except for a few outstanding moments. Those were the days when we had to hand wash and iron our white uniforms… really by hand in a bucket. One poor soul’s mother had sent along some bluing to make sure everything turned out white. Evidently she forgot to include the instructions. Instead of mixing it sparingly with the water first, he added the uniform, then a great amount of the bluing, and then the water. The uniform came out with large streaks of blue that wouldn’t come out.

The Great Lakes Station can be miserably cold, especially in the rain. We awoke one morning to a cold, miserable wind-blown rain. Being of sound mind and intelligence on average of above room temperature, we all donned our raincoats. Wrong! It seems raincoats were not in the plan-of-the-day so off came the raincoats and we walked around in the rain the entire day. Next morning dawned clear, sunny and warm. The plan-of-the-day had noted the rain the day before and rubber ponchos were issued and we walked around in those all day. Right away I figured out that there was something wrong with a Navy that had no means of adapting quickly to a changing situation. And it seems to apply to all the military. But once you understand that mindset you learn to work around it.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I’m in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

Kansas sent out an e-mail last month touting their new ad campaign for the state’s travel and tourism enterprises. The link to the ad didn’t work like so many of the things they do. However, I was looking back at some meeting notes from December of 1999 on a Travel and Tourism meeting I attended. The topic was selecting a state motto. I really liked a couple of the suggestions which included one of mine… "Had a mountain… didn’t like it." That of course refers to the idea that some think Kansas is flat and remembering back to the time when Kansas Territory included Denver and Pike’s Peak. The other state motto suggested was, "Had an ocean… drained it."

Our campaign to get Oklahoma to help out with travel and tourism has obviously failed. We thought it would be nice if their license tags all read, "Oklahoma… Gateway to Kansas." I’m pretty sure they turned that down since we have not heard an official positive response.

An old cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off !! Or I’ll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

A man was really depressed the other night and rang a suicide hotline.

He was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I’m John Jones, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Pasadena for the last 43years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

Just a minute, says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

I love a white Christmas, but like the decorations, it should all be gone the day after Christmas. I've always held that shoveling the white stuff is a sin against nature and God. God and nature put it there and it should be up to them to remove it. Well that may have worked in the past, but SHE suggested that it would be a good thing if I actually cleared off the walks these last times. After long explanations to HER about the dangers of suffering a heart attack, SHE checked the statistics and decided it was OK for me to shovel the snow off the walks.

While I was at it, I decided to take pity on the little birds that were having a hard time finding food so I drove to town to buy some bird food and put up a feeder. Of course SHE noted that while that was a good thing to do, the walks still needed to be cleaned off.

Most have heard of the "Make A Wish" foundation that grants those with life threatening disease. Locally, we have our own heroes who started their own version of helping those with life threatening or terminal disease. It’s Life Hunt and is led by Tim Schaller with their first effort in 2001. That year they hunted with seven severely handicapped young men and that provided a lot of unexpected challenges.

It took a lot of volunteers to haul wheel chairs around the 2300 acres of private hunting ground. The following year Schaller and crew decided to switch to helping those with life threatening disease. "While that first hunt was successful, with a lot of laughter, tears and a lot of sweat, it was just too challenging for the amount of volunteers we have available," Schaller noted. Plus, there is the cost of transportation and licenses for that number of people.

In 2005 Life Hunt expanded to include three hunters but before the hunt began one of the young hunters broke his leg, due to his disease, three days prior to the hunt and was unable to attend. The other two hunters suffered relapses of their disease, making it impossible for them to attend. Airfare was lost as was the deer tags that had already been transferred to the would be hunters. The group scrambled quickly to find a couple of other hunters to fill the open tag and fortunately, the second hunter was from Kansas so an out-of-state tag and license was not required. In total they lost $4,375 on that hunt, but when one is dealing with life threatening disease plans don’t always work out.

More than the lost money, the group continues to be saddened by news that some of their hunters have lost the battle against their diseases.

This year they again had two hunters, Tim Milnes, a 20-year-old from Boothwyn, Pennsylvania who is in remission from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and Nathan Sanders, an 18-year-old from New Philadelphia, Ohio. Nathan is battling Leukemia and just completed his last round of chemo.

Tim Milnes is an avid hunter and came to Larned through the Hunt of a LifeTime program while Nathan came through Buckmasters American Deer Foundation - Life Hunt Program.

It was interesting to hear Tim Schaller talk about some of the experiences they have had with the kids who come out to achieve a long awaited goal. And nearly always they have achieved that goal. In fact, get Tim talking about hunting and nothing else seems to exist. And he’s good at it and really shines when he is the guide rather than the hunter. Roaming around the 2,300 acres of the hunting preserve, he knows where the deer are, but getting them is not all that easy. This year the two Life Hunters were trying to get their buck with a bow. In the last hours of the hunt, they both relented and used a rifle to bag two large bucks.

The Friday night dinner before the hunt was great with lots of food for the hunters and the sponsors of Life Hunt. And there were plenty of prizes available for those participating, including a rifle and a bronze of a marvelous elk. The following morning I joined Tim, Tim and Nathan at Schaller’s cabin southwest of Larned and it’s like walking into another world where there’s only deer and pheasants. Tim’s brother, Jay Schaller, was on hand at the cabin to help with breakfast for the hungry hunters and volunteers. It was a cold drippy morning and the hot breakfast was indeed welcome and one of the better reasons I drove down.

There were several videos from that morning’s hunt, but no prize. That didn’t dampen the enthusiasm however. According to Tim and Nathan they also saw the big bucks but they were out of bow range and they wanted the hunt to last more than just one morning, so the rifle was out of the question, at least for Saturday morning.

As mentioned earlier, the final hours of the final day, the pair took up rifles and in short order each bagged a buck. It was interesting that in a letter to Schaller, Tim said, "I almost didn’t want to shoot that last night because I wanted to come back and hunt some more."

Tim also expressed his thanks for all the volunteers and everything they did to put this hunt together. "The time I spent with you in the stand in Kansas and the deer I saw I sure won’t forget about anytime soon. Tim, you really gave me a hunt of a lifetime. The thing I want to thank you the most for is making me feel like a friend and not someone there because of an illness." That expresses what the Life Hunt is all about.

In a separate letter Tim’s father, Kevin, said it best. "What all of you are doing is a wonderful thing and it is very much appreciated. In the Wizard of Oz Dorothy said it best as she tapped her heals and said ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. And then she awoke and realized she never left home. That’s how all of you made us feel... like we never left home. Kansas is where dreams come true. Tim, if it were not for your vision and generosity non of this would have happened."

That, in a nutshell, is what Tim Schaller and his crew of volunteers have made in his wilderness… a place where dreams can come true and illnesses are shoved away for a short time and replaced by friendship and camaraderie and a place where memories will live for a lifetime.

Schaller noted that it was not him alone that makes Life Hunt work. It’s all the volunteers who generously give their time and just as importantly, the many sponsors who contribute to the project. "Both make this possible," he said.

If you or your company would like to make a tax deductible contribution to Life Hunt, contact Tim Schaller, PO Box 197, Larned, KS 67550 or call him at 620 285-2950.

Twas Thanksgiving evening, and in the spirit of the holiday I thought I would do a little shopping, or at least looking on line. As always, the first thing I look at are the electronic gadgets, but I found out that I already have most of those that are useful to me. Of course I always need another digital camera. As I was perusing the choices, SHE looked over my shoulder and noted that for that price SHE could have a new anniversary ring. It seems like just the other day I got her one and besides, it’s not our anniversary yet. I still have seven months, three days and seven hours before I have to make that decision and that leaves a couple of hours to spare. After all, I’m not one to rush into things. In fact, I picked up our marriage license on a Saturday, just a couple of hours before the ceremony. I will have to admit that I had forgotten it and if it were not for a dear lady who worked at the courthouse, I wouldn’t have gotten it then. Her reasoning was that she didn’t want to be responsible for postponing the long awaited wedding since she was pretty sure that marriage would soon straighten me out. (I think her actual words were "that’ll fix your wagon.")

Anyway, things were going along pretty well and the "emergency fund" hadn’t seen any use for a couple of months and I could just see that a new camera would be just the right kind of emergency I was waiting for. SHE, on the other hand, had already decided that a new ring was just the thing since the previous one would no longer fit. The grandson’s dog broke her left ring finger and while therapy has improve it, the ring still won’t fit. I suggested SHE should do more therapy until the ring fit once again. To me that seems like the logical (cheap) solution.

Now I’m pretty sure a new ring would help HER finger improve immensely and then SHE could have the previous one enlarged while noting that SHE is just too sentimental to not wear both. Somehow, the logic escapes me, but it goes something like this… "if the previous ring is enlarged and the finger gets back to normal then it would have to be made smaller. Therefore, buying another that fits would be the best way to approach the situation." On that bit of logic, I went to bed.

The next morning the problem was solved. SHE took a shower and then came out and said the water was acting funny. I asked if that was why SHE was giggling in the shower. SHE said that was singing. Oops. After I was through laughing, I checked and the laughter went away. The emergency fund kicked in, the camera kicked out, along with the ring, and the water pump took the priority. Naturally, it started snowing, which topped off the day.

I know there are a lot of opinions floating around about whether or not there is climate change. There are, however, some really DUMB people on both sides of the issue. One of the dumbest (can this person feed herself) was the April 16, 2007 letter to the Arkansas Democrat Gazette. She claimed that March was particularly hot that that should come as no surprise to a reasonable person since Daylight Savings Time started nearly a month earlier this year.

"You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?" She continues with, "Perhaps this is another plot by the liberal Congress to make us believe that global warming is a real threat."

Thanksgiving came and went and this year we started a new tradition… lock the doors, close the shades and enjoy the lobster banquet for two. I like the holidays but this year it seems that Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas has all turned in to a single event. We were in some store in Great Bend and Hutchinson in the first few days of the November and they were already singing Christmas Carols. I like the Christmas music, but pretty quick well be singing the carols in July, or maybe just year round.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine.

"I’ll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s gonna be a skirt-chasin’ bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s Centerfold.

Back by popular demand will be a large offering of Indian handcrafted jewelry shown by Mike O’Neil of OB’s Jewelry Company, Denver, Colorado and Gallup, New Mexico. OB Jewelers has been the Santa Fe Trail Center’s supplier of Indian jewelry for over 25 years. Available for purchase, these beautiful creations are hand selected from the craftsmen and women in the Gallup, New Mexico area and other areas of the American Southwest. Pieces will be primarily by Zuni and Navajo artists. A selection of rings, pendants, bracelets and earrings will be on display in the museum’s lobby from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. during the Open House.

A 25% discount will be offered on all items in the Trail Shop on the Open House day only. This includes the Indian jewelry in the gift shop and that offered by the jewelry supplier.

"Christmas Past" is Coming Fast

Fort Larned will celebrate the Christmas Season in the greatest of Victorian holiday fashion. Music, dancing, gift-giving, refreshments and general merry-making can be had to instill Yuletide spirit in all. Come join the fun at "Fort Larned Christmas Past" on December 8, 2007 from 6:30 to 9:00 in the evening.

Festivities will commence with the "New Old Timers" from Hill City with Christmas music and Victorian Dancing (no experience required) continue through the evening with parlor games, Christmas skits, and a grand visit from the old man himself, Santa Claus. Cookies, cakes, cider and hot chocolate and all the rest will be here for an evening of seasonal mirth.

The bookstore will have its annual 15% off everything in the store.

Spring and Fall are my favorite times of the year for a lot of reasons. One of the best reasons is there is no need for heating of cooling. I just wish both seasons could last longer.

I was out surveying the yard the other day and was surprised to see several were budding out. But mother nature never fools the walnut trees. They seem to be the first to drop their leaves and the last to leaf out.

Anyway, the yardwork is pretty much done and now comes HER projects, which are a closely guarded secret, at least from me. For about half the year I can always find something to do outside, far away from the mundane projects like cleaning book shelves or cabinets. I keep thinking I should put glass doors on the book shelves so I wouldn’t have to dust. SHE thought that would be ok but insisted that they would have to be dusted first. Thinking that through I could just see a lot of work ahead and it still wouldn’t get me out of cleaning the books.

I could always give them away, but I don’t think I’ve ever given away a book, at least in 40 years. When I was in the Navy I read mostly western novels. They were paperback so I just tore out the pages as I read and pitched them. I suppose I never planned on reading them again.

One thing I’ve always dreamed of was ripping out the pages of the Lutheran Hymnal every time we tried to sing one of the really dumb songs. Generally the words are ok, but the music sucks. That one was designed by a committee and I think they knew they were never going to be a part of our brand of Lutheranism so they just threw in all the songs they hated and then went their own way and left us with those things that had no relation to music. A joyful noise it wasn’t.

We now have a new hymnal and we’re back to a red book like we used to have. I guess red is back in fashion. Someone said the reason we shucked the old red one was because red stood for communism. But now since we are a red state, I guess it’s ok to have a red hymnal again.

I checked both out and no where in there is there any part of the liturgy that says we must have a wandering in mid service. I guess it’s sort of like a seventh inning stretch at a baseball game. I wouldn’t mind it so much if they had this wandering in the middle of the sermon. It might be a nice break and wake us up and prepare us for the rest of the sermon. Maybe we could even go out for coffee or have a restroom break.

I don’t have anything against people greeting each other. In fact, it’s great when done before and after the service. Mentally I still equate "passing the peace" with the great unwashed nitwits I went to college with. Didn’t like their "peace" then, don’t like it now. Oh well, I’ll never change the way they do things so I’ll continue to leave as soon as the wandering begins. Others should do the same. Maybe then they’d get the message.

Of course, every time I mention this, SHE gives me the "calm down" lecture.

Another thing that really bugs me is the preacher who wants us to hold up our hands for something. SHE holds my hands down since SHE knows I want to jump up and say, "ME, ME, ME!"

We had a preacher once who was always doing that and one Sunday said that all those who didn’t hold up their hands should leave. He was talking about discrimination or something. SHE was in Washington DC at the time so I took the opportunity to get up and leave. You could hear the murmurings… "he’s really leaving", etc. I could hardly keep from laughing as I made my way from the front to the back. Of course the preacher never used that example again.

The door bell rang and there stands this plain but well dressed kid with suit and tie, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

I couldn’t decide what he was trying to represent, so I asked.

The kid says, "I’m an IRS agent." Then he took 28% of the candy, left, and doesn’t even say Thank You.

I’m not sure what’s going on with the State Fair. Their theme this year was something about "Hanging With The Hogs." Tell me how that’s going to attract people and maybe I’ll break my long-standing resolution never to return. I recently received an e-mail about an art show called "Boots and Bling." What the heck is bling anyway? I checked with a couple of younger folks (40s & 50s) and they were also clueless. Then I checked with the MTV generation, assuming they would know, and they did. One said it was jewelry and the other said it was shiny stuff… nose rings, tattoos and assorted dangly stuff. OK. It seems the State Fair is up on all these things and probably have some teeny-bopper writing the press releases. While the art show was admirable, put on by the Kansas Fairgrounds Foundation, since it featured Kansas artists and even Chet Cale from Great Bend, the name doesn’t give one any clue what the show is about.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new Dentist when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall handsome, dark- haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then. Upon seeing him however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray- haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate!

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if had attended Morgan Park high school. "Yes-Yes I did, I’m a mustang." he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate? I asked?"

He answered, "In " 1959, Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

We think, in Kansas, that we have wind. While that’s true, it’s nothing compared to the horrendous Santa Ana Winds that blow through southern California. They topple 18 wheelers like they are toys, rip off shingles and sandblast cars. Unfortunately, as we have just seen, they can spread fire in an instant. We were fortunate to have lived just far enough from the Angeles National Forest in the San Gabriel Mountains, about five miles, to avoid the threat of fire. But it was scary to watch. I can only imagine the tragedy southern Californians are going through. It makes living in Kansas paradise by comparison.

I had the pleasure of helping the brother-in-law with his milo harvest again this year, which is always an interesting experience that allows me to do a whole lot of interesting things. That, and being harassed at the co-op by assorted visitors. Actually, I may have started some of the harassment. One kind soul said he’d never seen me actually work before. I asked him not to spread it around since it might ruin my reputation.

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn’t care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section, buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it, buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors, buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually, buy a dog.

But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, expects you to serve dinner at all hours of the day and night, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Then my friend, buy a cat.

The last month, and possibly three, have been a whirlwind of activity. We’ve had a Navy reunion and an unbelievable number of family reunions and so many other things to do I haven’t been able to keep it all straight. I’ve decided to just let HER tell me what, when and where, of course that’s not much of a change. It actually took me a long time to figure that out. But as I look back, it has always been that way except I didn’t realize it. SHE asks where I’d like to go for dinner and I pick Pizza Hut. SHE says that’s too hard on my stomach, wouldn’t I rather go to Applebees? That’s where SHE wanted to go in the first place. SHE asks where I want to go for a weekend away and I suggest Wichita and SHE asks if I wouldn’t rather go to Kansas City, again just where SHE wanted to go. After realizing this (slow learner plus she’s really slick about the whole thing) I’ve decided it will cut down immensely on my time if I just listen to HER, since that’s what we’re going to do anyway. It only took 46 years to figure that out.

It’s kind of like the yard plantings. SHE proclaimed that SHE was not going to buy another plant until next year. After that declaration, I know I’ve planted at least a dozen different plants, all of which require really large holes. I suspect SHE just wants me to see the light at the end of the tunnel (where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, Johnson, Nixon and Bush). Seems the same thing, there will never be an end.

Early this summer, or possibly spring, the new Harry Potter book came out and I almost bought one and changed my mind. The Larned Dillons store had a young man sitting by the display and he did look a bit like Harry, including the scar that was painted on. I thought that was a neat idea. Anyway, I passed up the opportunity since I would have had to sit down and read the entire collection before beginning to read the new one, and I simply didn’t have the time, or so I thought.

SHE didn’t pass it up however, and I was surprised to see the book laying on my night stand. Shoot… now I was going to have to fit time in to read them all. So far I’ve read the first five and am through the sixth, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." I have avoided any reviews on the new book so I can be surprised at how it all works out.

I got hooked on the Potter books a few years ago when the grandkids were hear and I read the book to them. At that point I had not seen any of the movies, so the images were sometimes more than I could conjure up. Having seen the movies gives me a point of reference. While they did a good job with the movies, which surprised me, there are things in the book that were left out of the movies. Usually I am disappointed in the movie after reading the book and in this case the movies were a pleasant surprise.

Whatever one thinks of the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling has one heck of an imagination, and who can fault that.

In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern began construction on a new building to expand their business. A local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

I have no idea where these originated but they’re just too funny not to pass along.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Ataboy Alan)

— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.

— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

— Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

— Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.

— Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

— Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

— Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.

— Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you shou ld marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.

— Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

— Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?

— Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at $38,000 a year for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions for $55,000, and one person to do time studies for an additional $45,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies for $59,000 and one to write the reports for an additional $49,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" They created the following positions, a time keeper for $65,000 annual salary, and a payroll officer for an additional $55,000, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer at $175,000 per year, Assistant Administrative Officer $135,000, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $125,000 per year.

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of $801,000.00 and we are $38,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

As I mentioned earlier, I attended a Ship’s Reunion in September in the unlikely place of Salina where there are only puddles compared to the ocean. I’ll have to admit that I remembered few of the fellow sailors who sailed on the USS Mullany, but I chalk that up to a poor memory, or maybe I just wanted to put it completely out of my mind.

Still, lots of memories came back, stuff I hadn’t thought of in years. The first day I watched the ship come into port, it hit the dock. I thought that portended of evil things to come. Pretty much I was right. Things went downhill from there. The Capitan was nicknamed Captain Crash, I learned, long before that incident that ranked as minor in his long history as commander. It was a trait that would continue until he was relieved. The next skipper was a diehard by the book sailor who knew nothing was impossible, mostly because he didn’t have to do it.

When we were set to venture to Cuba to stop the missiles, that he volunteered us to go first, just in case there were submarines, or such. I could understand the Navy’s logic since this was the oldest boat in the fleet and its loss would be big deal to them. It was a really big deal to the rest of us. We were indeed thrilled when the crisis ended and we were able to return home in time for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, our ship, the USS Mullaney DD528, was the only ship to have served in three wars, WW II, Korea and Vietnam before it was unceremoniously sold to Taiwan in the late 1970s where it served for several more years until it was sunk to add to the barrier reef.

All in all, it was a good time and we were able to spend some time with some really good friends from those early Navy days, and that was the best part of all.

We received a photo of our son-in-law in Iraq. He was pointing to a thermometer that registered 150 degrees. Of course that was in the sun, but where's the shade? Also, he had on all his armor as well. I would like to send a few of our Congressmen over there in complete battle gear and let them spend some time with the soldiers rather than in air conditioned comfort in the Green Zone. Maybe they wouldn’t be so tight fisted when it comes to Veteran Health Care and Benefits.

I can’t believe it’s September already and no one checked with me to see if that’s ok. We finally got the August weather for a few days but all-in-all it’s been a great summer… in fact, it’s been a green summer. If this is global warming, bring it on.

I have a theory that since it is hot and dry on both coasts it just sucks the rain and good weather right up our way. Anyway, it sounds good. If we get a repeat of this weather next year, along with a mild winter, I’ll know it’s true, whether or not anyone believes me.

HER finger is slowly healing and getting back to normal. SHE decided it was pretty neat to be able to wash HER own hair and not be scrubbed like a dog. I guess we all can’t be perfect all the time.

The doc said she may have to wear HER wedding ring on a different finger. That’s ok as long as SHE doesn’t tell people it’s on the wrong finger because SHE married the wrong guy.

We had a good time at the Moonlight Madness in Larned in August. The judges and announcer (me) got showered with water, or you might say flushed, from one of the home built racing toilets. It was an ingenious device and one of three in the goofy event. It was a great evening of just shear madness. Someone even tossed me their bra, which I though was unusual. I assumed someone just lost it in the madness. I can’t recall anything like that ever happening before, and I think I would remember something like that. One kid picked up some of the eggs left over from the event and wanted to throw them. I threatened to slingshot them back with the bra so he picked another target for his shenanigans.

The brother-in-law went to Dr. Huslig, his dentist, the other day and when he came out he couldn’t start his pickup. Now that was when his leg was in a cast and there’s no way he can get under the pickup to replace the wire to the starter. The dentist came out with his rubber gloves still on and said he could fix that and proceeded to crawl under the pickup and reattach the wire. Now that’s service. Plus… he didn’t charge for a house call. Great. I have included a photo or the "operation".

As of August 11th, son-in-law Eddie Arter is once again is in Iraq for the third time. We wish him well as always and hope for his safe return.

I have received several recorded calls of late and they are a bit irritating. One that kept calling said it was imperative that I press 1 to lower the interest rate on a credit card. I hung up for the first half dozen. Finally, I did press 1 and got an person. I asked her what the name of her organization was and she immediately hung up. So much for legitimacy. What they are looking for is your credit card number and social security number. What a scam. The best policy is to just hang up.

Another of the calls was to tell us that Traveling Sam Brownback and Pat "you don’t understand how Washington works" Roberts want to cut back on Medicare. Well, had it been a real person I would have explained that neither of our senators and one of our representatives don’t really care about the voters since we just automatically elect them no matter what they do or don’t do. They could have saved the phone call.

I should probably explain the Pat "you don’t understa